here goes nothing...

i must admit that a part of me refrains from blogging about the unhappy things in my life and what i really feel about some things. maybe i'm just not the sort who would run to my computer and start typing about each setback i'm facing. perhaps i'm too lazy to talk about it or tell people what i'm really going through and all you see are pictures and happy things. singapore was such a struggle and being here made me realize how little confidantes i actually have.

i used to think that i am a pretty open person, but now that i have more time to reflect on my life (since i have quite a fair bit of time to myself) and stare at blogger.com (haha), i realised that i've this peculiar habit of trying to ignore the things that make me sad, angry or frustrated and pretend that i'm okay. i guess i tend to put on this ignorant and happy front most times. i can never really be truly open about my life and my struggles and i really don't see how blogging about it can be a form of release. in fact, i feel that the more i blog about such things, the more it gives people (especially those who dislike me) an opportunity to be gleeful about the fact that i'm down, unhappy or disappointed. so in order to make them think i have a great life, i'll just blog whenever i feel positively happy about life. yeah that's really warped i know.

in this season of my life i do indeed wish that there would be someone here for me, someone that i could talk to about anything and everything under the sun without worrying about what others think. it's getting pretty uncomfortable keeping things in. the most painful part about this season is that the more emotional attachments i have and the more bonds i forge, the more painful it will be when i have to leave it all behind here in Pitt.

i would say some people (particularly singaporeans) are really immature in thinking that boy + girl = something going on. or maybe i'm the immature one since such things even affect me. i can really click with him okay, and that really doesn't mean that there is something going on (something more than platonic friendship rather), especially when we both have significant others. well, at least i hope he feels the same way about it.

god this feeling(s) sucks and no i don't wanna talk about it/everything. well, it is essentially an accumulation of shit. yeah vague and abstract is totally the way to go.